The Return of the ER
by Cath1
Summary: I wrote this ages ago now, but thought I'd share. It's just a weird and twisted tale of the ER.


The Return Of The ER

The Return Of The ER

Okay, so revision time has come again, and in one of my little 30 minute breaks, I've decided to write yet another humorous (I hope) fanfic. This one is basically like the last one, however it takes into account the last few episodes as well.  
  
I don't own the characters. I can't remember who does, but it ain't me, okay?  
  
And I apologise to alt.tv.er for stealing most of the ideas from them...sorry...  
  
It's mad, it's bad, it's...  
  
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The Return of the ER  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
SCENE: ER ADMIT DESK. LUKA, CAROL AND KERRY ARE THERE. EXTRAS (BACKGROUND ARTISTS) ARE MILLING AROUND...BACK AND FORTH...BACK AND FORTH...TRYING TO GET NOTICED. BUT LACKING.  
  
LUKA: So, Carol, would you like coming round to my place tonight?  
  
CAROL: You actually live somewhere? Oh my god, I never knew that!  
  
LUKA: Well, there's always time for you to find out  
  
CAROL: Sorry, Luka, not tonight, I've got to mope over Doug still. It's still not good, you know? But obviously I'm still not going to tell you about him. And the twins last name is ROSS GODDAMNIT, HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER SPENDS ANY TIME WITH ME  
  
CAROL RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE (TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN, IT'S ALRIGHT...)  
  
LUKA: (V sad) Oh well. Kerry, want to come over?  
  
KERRY: (suspicious) Is this an offer for spontaneous, passionate sex?  
  
LUKA: (shyly) well...  
  
KERRY: (quickly) sure.  
  
CARTER ENTERS  
  
CARTER: (mad) it's okay everyone, I'm fine. They may have killed Lucy, but now they've done a Doug on her, and rarely mentioned her name, I'm fine. Just Fine GODDAMNIT  
  
KERRY: Oh, hey Carter, I'm going round to Luka's tonight, fancy joining us?  
  
CARTER: (happy) sure! (Thinks) Oh sorry, I'm with Benton tonight.  
  
KERRY: Maybe some other time then?  
  
CARTER: That'd be great, Luka and I get on great  
  
LUKA: Sure, we're like, best friend.  
  
A WOODEN PLANK ARRIVES.  
  
WOOD: Hey are there any paediatric cases anywhere?  
  
CARTER: Oh hey Cleo, sorry, I think everyone else gets all the paediatric cases now, you're not trust worthy enough. And we don't like you. In fact we don't even know you.  
  
WOOD: Oh. Okay. (looks around) Now where's that Peter Benton for a quick...  
  
KERRY: He's in surgery. Like always. (starts to cry) And I thought he was our surgeon, not one of those upstairs consults, ours, OURS!  
  
LUKA: It's alright, Kerry, we've got Elizabeth, remember  
  
KERRY: (brightens) Oh yeah, I remember.  
  
THEY START KISSING PASSIONATELY FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER  
  
WOOD: Think I might go take a jog round the block then, in the freezing cold. Cos that's what I'm like. Okay.  
  
  
SCENE: CAROL IS IN THE TRAUMA ROOM WITH MARK  
  
MARK: So, I've not spoken to you for like...years. Since D…  
  
CAROL: Shush! They might hear!  
  
MARK: Who?  
  
CAROL: They! TPTB! We can't mention his name  
  
MARK: Who, Doug?  
  
A FLASH OF LIGHTENING COMES DOWN FROM ABOVE AND HITS MARK. KILLING HIM INSTANTLY  
  
CAROL: They killed Mark! The bastards!  
  
MARK STANDS UP  
  
MARK: It's okay, I'm alright. I managed to live. I've got rubber soled shoes, you know.  
  
CAROL: Thank god  
  
MARK: So, what's going on with you and Lu...  
  
CAROL: Shush again! We can't mention that! You're not very good at this, are you Mark?  
  
MARK: So nothings going on then?  
  
CAROL: Not that anyone should notice. Jeez.  
  
MARK: So, how's the twins?  
  
CAROL: Oh, fine.  
  
MARK: And you're okay with him seeing them?  
  
CAROL: (shocked) He's been seeing them? Since when? How come no one ever told me? Hey? Hey?  
  
A DESK PERSON ARRIVES WITH A PARCEL.  
  
DESK PERSON: Umm, Carol, there's a parcel for you  
  
CAROL: Oh my god! It's from him  
  
MARK: Who?  
  
CAROL: Him! It's animal crackers!  
  
MARK: Animal crackers? Why?  
  
CAROL: It's tradition! We ALWAYS gave them to each other  
  
MARK: You did?  
  
CAROL: God, do you not know anything? Always. He'd often bring them to me here at work and everyone'd eat them and we'd throw a party and (starts crying) ...and then he'd bring out another packet...and we'd eat them...and eat...and get...fat (breaks down completely)  
  
MARK: Okay.  
  
MANY BASEBALL BATS HIT US AND WE SLOWLY REALISE THAT CAROL DOES LOVE DOUG AFTER ALL  
  
CAROL: Listen, I might be late in tomorrow. Bye  
  
CAROL RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. NOW NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. AND TO THIS DAY THEY WAIT FOR HER. LATE STILL...*CRY*  
  
SCENE: TOKEN SHOT OF SEATTLE, DOUG'S THERE.  
  
CAROL: Doug, I don't care that I've not seen you since...well I don't remember, and I don't care that you never came to see me even though I told you not to come and visit us and I don't care that you left me because I said that I had better places to be, and I don't care that I've been off  
with Luka whilst you've been away, and I most certainly don't care that I've not mentioned you in so long I can barely remember your name. I love you!  
  
DOUG: Well, as long as you're here, I don't care either!  
  
CAROL: WHAT? (Doug kisses her) Oh, that's okay.  
  
AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER...AND NOW BACK TO COUNTY...  
  
SCENE: ADMIT DESK. DR. DAVE, KERRY, JING-MEI, ABBY, CLEO AND LUCY PRESENT.  
  
KERRY: I've got a job for a bad doctor, any offers?  
  
LUCY/JING-MEI/ABBY/CLEO/DR. DAVE: HERE! ME!! ME!! ME!!  
  
KERRY: I pick (closes her eyes and spins around pointing, finally landing on) LUCY!  
  
JING-MEI: Hey, that's not fair, she's not even supposed to be here.  
  
LUCY: Aww, man, I never get any breaks.  
  
ALL SHOOT HER EVIL LOOKS.  
  
LUCY: Fine, I'm going, I'm going. (sighs heavily and walks out)  
  
KERRY: Okay, so I'll try again. (closes her eyes, spins around, gets real dizzy and finally loses her balance and lands on Dr. Dave) Dr. Dave it is. (looks deeply into his eyes, and decides to kiss him passionately)  
  
DR. DAVE: Woah, deja vu!  
  
KERRY: Ooops, sorry. Forgot.  
  
DR. DAVE: So, what do I get to do?  
  
KERRY: You can clean out all the cupboards and the refrigerator  
  
DR. DAVE: Wow, really? You mean it?  
  
KERRY: Yup, sure do  
  
DR. DAVE: Thank you, Kerry! I love you!  
  
JING-MEI: That is so not fair. I want that job.  
  
KERRY: Tough, Chen, Jing-Mei, Debs, whatever your name is. It's . Dave's job. That alright with you, Abby?  
  
ABBY: That's okay, I don't mind, I'm now off to do some procedures on a patient and hopefully this time, not screw up, wanna join me, Jing-Mei.  
  
JING-MEI: Sure, that'd be great. I'm not sure I've ever spoken to you before, have I?  
  
ABBY: Nope, but then not many people have.  
  
THEY WALK OFF TOGETHER, HOLDING HANDS AND SKIPPING.  
  
CLEO: What about me?  
  
KERRY: What about you?  
  
CLEO: Can I do anything?  
  
KERRY: Hmm...you can...go suck up to Romano, I don't believe you've had the pleasure of meeting him yet.  
  
CLEO: Romano? Wow, I've heard all about him, he sounds so swell! I'm off  
there now!  
  
CLEO RUNS OFF.  
  
KERRY: You know, I've just thought, where's Jerry these days? Or in fact Doyle? Or Bob? Or half the nursing staff? Or...  
  
MAGGIE DOYLE ENTERS  
  
KERRY: MAGGIE! I was just thinking about you!  
  
MAGGIE: You were?  
  
KERRY: Yup  
  
MAGGIE: Wow, I think about you all the time.  
  
KERRY: You do?  
  
MAGGIE: Yup, ever since I told Carter that I couldn't be with him, I've been here less and less, and I've missed you  
  
KERRY: I thought Carter only went for blondes?  
  
MAGGIE: Well, he made an exception for me, obviously.  
  
KERRY: Do you think he'd ever go for someone, y'know...red?  
  
MAGGIE: You never know, but I'll tell you that I do!  
  
KERRY: Really?  
  
MAGGIE: Yup  
  
THEY KISS  
  
CLEO ENTERS  
  
CLEO: Where was I supposed to go again?  
  
  
SCENE: TRAUMA ROOM, CARTER'S THERE, SHOOTING UP. ABBY ENTERS.  
  
ABBY: Oh, sorry, I didn't notice you here.  
  
CARTER: I bet you didn't.  
  
ABBY: What ya got there?  
  
CARTER: Oh, just some stolen drugs. Want some?  
  
ABBY: Umm...maybe not. I'm already enough of a failure without having to resort to drugs. But maybe when I get a single case right?  
  
CARTER: Sure.  
  
KERRY, MARK, ANSPAUGH, ROMANO AND OTHER TOKEN PEOPLE ENTER  
  
KERRY: We know about your drug addiction, Carter, give it up!  
  
CARTER: But how could you? I only just started!  
  
ANSPAUGH: Cut the crap, Carter, it may not have been recognisable to even the most perceptive of people, but we're psychic, you know.  
  
CARTER: You are? Damn it.  
  
BENTON: Come on Carter, lets take you to the loony bin  
  
CARTER: (crying) NOOOOOOOOO  
  
BENTON: it's okay, you can take it out on me  
  
CARTER: (crying - hits Benton - cries more - like a little kid) Will you come with me?  
  
BENTON: Sure. Love to. I neeed some therapy myself. I've spent the majority of the series hankering after Cleo, you know.  
  
  
SCENE: AN OFFICE SOMEWHERE...TPTB ARE THERE...  
  
WRITER 1: (consults notepad) Okay, we've come up with some ideas, here's what we've got so far, what do we think to Abby not being a failure, Luka having some more friends, Romano having a nice side, learning a bit about Abby, Luka, Cleo or Dr. Dave's past, and Kerry is demanding that we give her her own show after we did give Doug, Carol, Mark and Peter their own episode.  
  
BOSS GUY: None of them. You know, I think we need more relationships.  
  
WRITER 2: I don't think Jing-Mei and Peter have got it on yet, or Luka and Abby...  
  
WRITER 3: Maybe we could have an orgy!  
  
BOSS GUY: That's a good idea! Write them both down. Good work, guys, keep it up.  
  
  
  
THE END.  
  
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